


Secrets From Secrets

by Miss_Forgettable



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, Personal Growth, Secret Crush, Teenage Crush, Unrequited Crush, this is more about the motions of growing up than about the characters themselves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 10:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14999171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Forgettable/pseuds/Miss_Forgettable
Summary: Hearing her name after so long was both wonderful and strange at the same time. That must have been why he was on her mind.Yes, that must have been why.What other reason could there possibly be?





	Secrets From Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure what inspired me to write this. Even looking at it now I'm baffled as to why my brain thought this was a good idea.   
> This isn't really meant to be even remotely canonically compliant as far as Pidge's character goes, but I wanted to use her as a way of depicting the difficulties of growing up, and how for many intelligent children, their primary interactions are only with adults, and how that affects the way people grow up. Developing crushes on older people is very common among teens isolated from their peers, but is usually the last thing the person wants.   
> I think I wrote this because I wanted to show a less flowery side to teenage emotions, and to depict a personal struggle that leads to maturity.

Shiro. 

Why couldn’t she get him out of her head?

Ever since he’d said her name – her _actual_ name – he’d been the only thing she could think about. She could only close her eyes to concentrate for a tick before his image came to mind, and she could almost hear him speaking into her ears. She groaned in frustration as she found herself pulling at the ends of her hair. She couldn’t focus.

Why?

Why was she finding it so hard to concentrate when she needed to find her family?

It must have been because he knew the truth; no one else knew yet, so that must be it. She wanted to tell them, sure, but _she_ wanted to be the one to say it. Even though Shiro had been fine with it, she still wanted time before the rest of the team had to know; time to know them, and time to learn how they’d react.

The fact of the matter was, she was uncertain, and Shiro knowing was both a relief, and a nightmare. Hearing her name after so long was both wonderful and strange at the same time. That must have been why he was on her mind. 

Yes, that must have been why. 

What other reason could there possibly be?

* * *

Pidge had told the team that she was, well, a _she_ , after their first real battle. She reckoned they needed to know after she’d tried to leave them. Finding her dad, and her brother, was still her top priority, but she’d come to understand that the universe needed Voltron, and without a Green Paladin they would have no Voltron. It had been hard to come to terms with that but was the reality of what she’d got herself into. This was war, and she couldn’t just abandon everything for her own needs. 

The team had reacted better than Pidge had hoped, and, with the exception of Lance, had been one step ahead of her the entire time. It had been great to finally have that off her chest, and it was even better that everything had just continued as usual. She’d chosen to hold _Katie_ from them though; she honestly didn’t feel it necessary to tell them. Being known as Pidge was comfortable.

Shiro had looked so proud as she opened up to the others. She wanted to see him look at her like that again.

... 

And, suddenly, she wanted to throw herself off her bed. 

In an instant, the reality, of why she couldn’t get him out of her head, came hurtling down to greet her with a slap in the face.

 _‘Oh hell no!’_ was the only thought that went through her head. She honestly felt a little sick.

* * *

Recognising what she was feeling didn’t help in the slightest. All it did was make her more keenly aware of Shiro’s heroism, and his kindness, and just how darn handsome he was. But, god damn it, she never wanted to think of him that way. He was a grown man, and she was, well, not grown. He was their team leader and a full decade older than her. Her first thought had been to erase her own memories, but it was near impossible to guarantee exactly what would be lost and what would be left.

Was it too late to hurl herself out the airlocks?

What had it been that had caused this? Had it been his tall, broad stature? Had it been his mature face and gentle smile? Had it been that soft, raven hair with that adorable tuft of white at the front? Or could it have been the way he’d comforted her, and the way he’d said her name?

_“Your brother and father would be proud of you, Katie.”_

Those words just wouldn’t leave her alone. They’d meant so much to her at the time, so why were they causing her so much pain? 

Puberty had been kind to her before, so why couldn’t it leave her alone? Never before had she been forced to think of someone in the way her brain wanted her to think of Shiro now. Surely, it was just a surge of dopamine and other hormones; they’d go away quickly, wouldn’t they?

* * *

The day they first fought Zarkon, Pidge cried herself to sleep. He was gone.

It wasn’t even just the hormones speaking either; she’d just lost one of her best friends. She tried to reason with herself, and convince herself that they’d find him again, but deep down all she felt was helplessness. Like a shadow into the night, he’d vanished. Just like before, just like her family, he’d vanished, and it wasn’t a simple thing to ignore, not when almost every fibre of her consciousness was telling her that she needed him around. It was as if her senses hadn’t received the message at all, or as if there was an error in her brain connections, that was causing her body to not realise that Shiro was gone! If only she could run herself through an antivirus scan.

Computers were so much simpler than humans. They were easy to understand and mathematically made sense. Why did she have to suffer through this without an instruction manual? Surely enough teenagers had lived for someone to make some kind of hand guide. But no, she had to wander aimlessly through a messy, _bloody crush._

Pidge didn't leave her room the next day. The energy just wasn't there, and even if it was, she felt as readable as a book. If she went out and they saw her, they'd know immediately why she looked so lost, and they couldn't know. Them knowing would only bring disaster and upon Shiro's return, he'd probably know too. 

And Shiro could never know.

She would take this to her grave.

Her attention turned to the door as she heard some gentle knocking.

“Pidge, can I come in?” It was Lance’s voice.

She made a non-committal noise and watched as the door slid open. Lance entered with a saddened expression. She watched almost absently as he came to sit at the foot of her bed, and shuffled up further against the headboard.

Pidge could see that Lance was struggling to think of what to say, but remained silent as she turned her attention to simply staring at her hands in her lap.

“Pidge,” Lance began. “I’m sorry about what happened to Shiro. I know he’s our leader, and a part of the team, but he wouldn’t want you to be stuck in here while Zarkon is still around. I know he meant a lot to us, and to you and Keith especially, but this is when we have to stand up and fight. We will get him back, I promise.” 

The tightness in her chest lessened slightly as she looked up from her lap to her friend’s sullen face.

“Thanks, Lance,” she managed. “I guess I needed that.” 

Lance nodded calmly at her, taking on an entirely different vibe from his usual excitability. She could see that he had other things that he wanted to say, but he seemed to be swallowing his words. She watched as he let out a deep breath. 

“That’s alright, but, you know, you can talk to me about anything.”

Pidge bit her lip.

“Anything at all? You can tell me,” he pressed, maintaining his gentle tone. 

Pidge almost wanted to tell him, she really did, but she couldn’t say anything. This was what was best for everyone, if she just kept it to herself. 

“That’s okay, Pidge, you don’t have to tell me. You’re allowed to have your secrets. But if you ever want to offload everything, you know where I am.” 

Pidge held her breath and continued to bite her lip until Lance had left the room. She knew he was a good person, but this was her struggle to get over on her own.

* * *

When they found him, Pidge barely had a chance to think through her feelings again. Zarkon, Lotor, Keith and the Blades; it was all too much. The feelings were still there, sure, but she had other priorities to deal with.

Not to mention, this Shiro was... Different. He was both similar and different to the Shiro they knew. He was strong, kind, brave, but also more volatile than the Shiro she knew. Somehow she knew something wasn’t right.

Which was how she learnt. 

She could sense that something was wrong the moment this Shiro came onboard the castle. She would be the first to learn that he wasn’t Shiro. 

But he was still kind, and she couldn't bring herself to reveal him. A mistake, maybe, but she knew that this clone wasn't pure evil, and she could tell that, for now, he believed he was actually Shiro.

Those somewhat dormant feelings stirred as she acknowledged that they still hadn’t found him. She hated it. They couldn’t just let her hunt for her friend in peace.

* * *

Months later, she’d find herself smiling as their friend came back to them. It took all her strength not to take over from Keith and hug him with her tiny arms.

Sure, it was still the clone’s body, his Galra arm was gone, and what was once a white tuft of hair had spread across his entire head, but it was him.

It was their Shiro.

Maybe, she still had those feelings, as different as they may have become, but she could deal with them for now. 

And one day, she knew that she’d be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> As a sixteen year old myself, I wanted to give an insight into a teenage brain and show that things can get better with time, and that at the end of it you can come out a better person. This isn't really about Pidge, or even about my depiction of her, but about life.  
> Pidge may be young, but she's already growing into an adult before she realises it, and she's intelligent enough that the mere thought of this is making her uncomfortable.   
> I'm really not sure if anyone will read this, but I really hope no one will misinterpret this.


End file.
